A Frog's Carol

This close to Christmas, I wish to celebrate with this little poem I made up. But before I do, I'd like to thank everyone I've met who has made this year quite a spectacular one. Hope you all have a Merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Now, about the poem. There's one thing you should know. Every time something goes wrong with Me and my friend William, we blame it on the Space Orcs. That's right, Space Orcs. Orcs in space.

So, to celebrate the oddity of my friend and I, and the festive cheer, I present you this.

*WARNING: CONTAINS SOME OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE, A BAD CASE OF RHYMES, AND MAY POSSIBLE RUIN A CHILDHOOD STORY FOR YOU!*

:D

‘Twas the night before Christmas, all was quiet in the house,
Nothing made a noise, besides the constantly clicking of my computer mouse.
As I surfed past porn and the occasional pop-up ad,
I realised how much I consider Christmas a fad.

Gone were the days of love and goodwill to your fellow men,
peace on Earth? I'd rather stab myself in the eye with a pen.
Fading memories of waiting as a child for santa and his sack,
For nowadays I would reward myself with a barely legal girl and her naked rack.

When all of a sudden, up on the roof,
I heard something, and my internet connection went 'poof'.
Upset at this event, I went to reset my router,
That's when I ran into the Space Orc with his gun and scouter.

I went to complain, but before I could say a word,
He shot me with his tazer and flipped me the bird.
He took me to his space ship, a prisoner of war,
I knew this was why I consider Christmas poor.

When I awoke, I was in a cell,
my stomach queasy, and my head hurting like hell.
I mumbled to myself how I was going to kill them,
when I realised I wasn't alone, they had my friend William.

'Well this is another fine mess,' he said with groan,
I tired to ignore him and his condesceding tone.
The doors slid open, and the Space Orc Commander approached with a sneer,
and told us how he planned to steal all of the Earth's Christmas cheer.

I won't tell you what he said, quite frankly the plan was retarted,
I just instead sat there and quietly farted.
'Ruin Christmas?' I said to him, 'have your wish,'
'don't you know,' I lied, 'I'm actually Jewish?'

The Space Orc Commander saw through my lies,
kicked me so hard in the groin I had watery eyes.
Turning on his heels, he went away,
promising to ruin Christmas day.

'Why,' my friend William said, 'he certainly has some gall,'
'Don't complain ,Will,' I wheezed, 'I think he burst a ball.'
And so we sat in silence, me holding my manhood,
my stomach rumbled,desperate needing food.

'We can't sit here all night,' William said, 'we need to escape.'
'I need to go home and finish my marathon of Farscape.'
'Well,' I coughed, 'if its skills you seek,'
'I'm loud and obnoxious, just like any other Greek'.

I knocked on the door, yelling my friend was sick,
told the guard he needed to see a doctor quite quick.
And when the guard when to check on my companion,
I use Greek-fu; bitch slapping like an epilectic Italian.

We escaped from our cell, and ran down the halls,
me still limping, because of my balls.
With some luck, and the use of a steel chair,
we found the self destruct button to the Space Orc's lair.

I pressed the button with demonic glee,
and found myself seeing the Commander on a 50" t.v.
He told me I was a madman, and yelled out a curse,
and that's when I repeated this little verse.

I pointed to my crotch, 'this is what you can suck,'
'Your mother and daughter I will fuck.'
'Go to hell you pretentious prick,'
'you ugly face makes me sick.'

We escaped to the ships with the Space Orcs on our tail,
while shit all around us started to fail.
We jumped into the first ship that caught our sight,
William took control and began our flight.

The ship stirred with a moan,
as the bay doors started to close with a groan.
'Hang on,' William yelled, 'we might not fit,'
he hit the accelerator, while I yelled 'shit, shit shit!'

We escaped, seconds before the blast,
the Space Orcs where history, a thing of the past.
We celebrated with song, our own version of 'Deck the halls,'
me on harmonics, due to the crushed balls.

We landed our ship near the city, only a stone's throw away,
with two hours to spare before Christmas Day.
We celebrated, the only way I know,
with strippers and lapdancers at Spearmint Rhino.

 Merry Christmas!!!

-George